For all you mom's of JK's

It's been forever since I was last on here and life has gotten much busier with an almost 9 month old in the mix but as summer has come to a close things have begun to get back to normal with my son now back to school in the first grade and my daughter to follow tomorrow. Yes, you heard correctly, my sweet little girl of just barely 4 years is beginning Jr Kindergarten tomorrow.  She's been there often enough in the past two years; to drop off her brother with me, or meet his teacher, see a Christmas concert, hear about bus safety, and just today to meet her teachers, however it didn't really sink in that she'd be going herself until tonight. You see, tonight as I went in to give her a kiss after she was asleep, she had her little arm wrapped in a cozy hug around her white, falling-apart sheep pillow... The sheep pillow that had wrapped around her most favorite baby blanket and that she had slept with every night (except when it was in the laundry) until she was three, at which time she had moved into her big girl bed and the sheep pillow and blanket went into hibernation. Not seeing that pillow for over a year made me realize how much a child can grow in a year and how quickly life can pass by and change in that time. It seems like just a heartbeat away that I was laying with her in my hospital bed for our first night together, literally nose-to-nose and lip-to-lip; the first snuggle of many with my affectionate little girl. And now tomorrow she'll be going off to school with her big brother.

I'm trying to convince myself that it's not a huge deal and that she'll do great, but I think that's part of what makes it so difficult for us mom's. We know that our children are resilient, we know that given the opportunity, they will rise to the occasion, we know that these amazing little people will make friends and win hearts, and I think that's what can scare us, or at least me.

Yes, there is the part of me that worries about her getting hurt or feeling alone, but there is a bigger fear than even those; it is the fear that my children won't need me, that the voices of friends, teachers, and even scarier, media and society will begin to become more appealing and louder than mine. It's the fear that snuggling with mom will be old news, and hanging with family a chore, ultimately, it's the fear that says "your job here is done"; and I'm not anywhere near ready to hand my job off to a big scary, ugly world.

So what do we do as mom's, as dad's, as caregivers to these precious children with whom we've been entrusted for such a short time? What do we do to battle these fears? How do we cope with the overwhelming desire to white-knuckle parent our children?

For me, I'll do the only thing I know to do, sometimes only daily, sometimes hourly, but today and tomorrow, by the minute... I'll hand these children off... Not to the hands of a hard, calloused world, but into the hands of my loving Heavenly Father, Who wants the best for them and Who loves them even more than my own love for them.  I'll choose to trust Him, sometimes trembling, and when I feel weak, to call out until His hands grasp mine.  You see, if I don't do this, the only other option is for my fears to control my actions; and instead of being free to guide, nurture, and teach my children allowing them to choose and make both good and bad choices, my hands become closed and clenched around them and the very things I fear will become my reality.

So tonight I take a lesson from my four year old daughter, the one who conquered her lifelong fear of swimming this summer, who finally let go of the steps and swam into the deep and who will bravely walk into her JK classroom tomorrow...I let go... I let go of the fear and the control, and I grab onto perfect love, the perfect love of my Savior.

"You make me brave... You call me out beyond the shores into the waves..." 

(You Make me Brave, by Amanda Cook, Bethel Music)

~ Crystal

In Memory of a Very Special Life

Today I’m working on a sign, but it’s not just any sign.  This sign has brought tears to my eyes from the moment I received the request, and even now as I design this small token to honor this precious little life that ended the same day it began.  

It brings back memories of the day that my second child was born.  Our hospital room was filled with the sounds of newborn cries, overjoyed parents, laughter, smiles, and the awe of new life.  Yet at that same moment of our rejoicing in this new life, in the same hospital and on the very same floor there was mourning taking place as another mother had labored all night, only to have the life of her precious newborn end moments later.  My heart broke for that mother; I couldn't imagine giving birth to such deep grief, pain, and sorrow after carrying and being connected to that little life for nine months of time.  All I could think, was “how is this fair?”, and then offer my silent prayers as the nurses shared with me the news of this unnamed mother.  There are no words for times like that, and even less when you are leaving the hospital with your new baby, knowing that this mother would give anything to experience that same joy.

So the thought of being invited into the life journey of another to honor the life of a child who only lives on in their memory makes me feel incredibly humbled and inadequate for the task.  Again, just as I silently prayed for that woman in the hospital two and a half years ago, I can only pray that God will use this sign to bring honor to their child, and to fill their hears with His peace and healing as they remember this life.

I can’t answer the question to why these kind of things happen in life, because to be honest, there really is no pretty packaged answer, wrapped in bows and ribbons, but I can tell you that there is One, Jesus Christ, Who counts every tear shed, Who sees every angry, confused fist shook towards the heavens, and hears every staggered breath taken and He offers His arms of comfort, healing and peace, and yes, even the ability to love again.

This song describes well the pain of loosing a child, but also the comfort found in knowing, as the song says, that “you're in the arms of God. Just a moment there is better than here”.

Whatever pain you’re facing today, I pray that you will find comfort in Jesus, and when the time is ready, healing in the love of God.

My deepest sympathies to the family of this precious young life.  I respectfully pray that this sign brings you peace and comfort in knowing that your son is in the arms of God.

♥ Crystal

Thoughts from a Reluctant Mom

* (Note: This is a past blog that was originally published on "Uniquely Yours Ministry Blog") *

Hey there friends! So great to be back here with you on Kerrington's wonderful Blog.  As you may have already guessed, I'll be talking to you today about Momma Life in celebration of Mother's Day (which in my opinion, should come at least once a month! hint hint, nudge nudge to all of you Father's reading).

When I was asked to write about this topic, you may be surprised to know that I had absolutely no idea where to start (and truth be told...I'm still feeling my way around as I type even now. ha ha).  I blame this in part on my placenta brain (did I mention, I'm pregnant with #3 right now?), but I think the greater reason would be due to the vast importance of a mother and all of the responsibility, challenges, and joys that come with that title.

It now shames me to say it, but as a teenager and even into my mid twenties it was never really my "dream" to be a mom, let alone a stay-at-home mom.  I had always looked on that title as a poor excuse to stay at home and relax while the rest of the world worked at "real" jobs.  When I saw mothers in stores with 4 children or (*gasp*) even more I would immediately classify them in a group I liked to call the "Crazy Van People", and I would think "that will never be me!".  (I'm pretty sure this is why God doesn't paint the whole picture in advance).

Well fast forward to a strong-willed four year old boy, a dramatic two year old diva, and baby number three on the way, and not only have I made the change from working mom with my first child, to stay-at-home mom after my second, but before the end of the year I am also joining the "Crazy Van People" Club.  Talk about eating my words, right?  (I'm sure God had a good laugh over my plans).

So what have I learned about my assumptions since wearing the title "mom"?  A lot.  I've learned a lot.  Such as firstly, how unbelievably wrong and naive I was to think that being a mom was not a real job.  I've experienced many challenging times in my life, from personal and marriage, to friendships, school, college, and careers, however none have been as challenging or rewarding, and caused me to grow as much as being a mom has.

I always say that being a parent is like holding up a mirror to myself because children are the most demanding and selfish little people you will encounter...and rightfully so...they don't know otherwise yet...they just speak what they think.  (If you don't have children you may think I'm being cruel here, but trust me...one day you'll know!  I say it in love for them, and I'm even laughing as I think of the crazy things my kids have done or said that are so ridiculously selfish you have to turn away to hide the laughter.)  On way too many occasions God has shown me my own selfishness reflected in my response to my children's demands for my constant attention, assistance, and time.  The giving and serving can't just be turned off like a tap when you are a parent; kids don't filter when you are tired, grumpy, or busy...and it has shown me how easily I can switch out of serving-mode and into self-serving mode.  At these times, I am so grateful for Christ's forgiveness and grace to strengthen me when I least want to serve, and I am left in awe at the way Jesus continually selflessly served during His time on earth, regardless of how tired He was.

That being said, I have also learned much about a child's ability to love, to forgive quickly, and to forget.  Again, this has been a mirror to me; it amazes me the times that I've messed up, being too quick to an angry response and too slow to apologize, to see how willingly and easily they embrace me and say "it's okay mom" when I've come in tears, sorrowful for my behavior.  It causes me to ask myself, "am I that quick to forgive, to forget, to understand and embrace another when they have wronged me?"  I can only pray that I will be.

Although I can still struggle with feeling significant in those hum-drum days when nothing spectacular happens, it is a process that I am working through, and the more that I find my significance in who I am rather than what I do, the less this struggle has power over me.  I am realizing more and more that I am of value and importance because of how God views me, and as I become secure in that I am free to be a better mom because my worth isn't dependent on how well I "perform" and my children are learning that mistakes (both mine, and theirs) can be valuable lessons.

I'm so happy to say that this past week, although I was sad that I had to miss out on a conference with my husband, I took joy in knowing that I was right where I was supposed to be, loving the responsibility I've been entrusted with, and making an impact on the people who are the most important in my life ...the sweet one's who call me "Momma".

Happy Mother's Day to all of you fabulous Mother's out there - you make a difference, you are valuable, and you are worth celebrating.  Don't forget to take a few moments out of your weekend to let those special women know how loved and appreciated they are. (We love to hear it! Flowers are never a bad idea either) ;)

♥ Crystal

The Art of Rest

So I know you must be wondering where I've been for the past two weeks.  Wandering the globe on some fantastical tour...doing big busy important business....ignoring my beloved blog readers.  The answer somewhat sadly, is none of the above (although I would never take joy in ignoring you my faithful readers, just to set the record straight).  No, the answer I'm afraid, is much simpler.  Amongst the regular routine of life, the real reason for my absence is: sleep.

Yes, I have been sleeping me life away like a little baby.  Quite pathetic really if it weren't for the fact that my tiredness is due to my body being hard at work creating a little life.  There ya go...the big news...for those of you who didn't already know. ;)  Hopefully you will excuse me if I sometimes make no sense on here over the next 7 and a bit months...apparently it's happened a few times, so says my husband (pfft - what do men know?).  I told him that it's a normal thing as scientifically more blood flow is being directed to my placenta now rather than my brain....true story....look it up...and yes...I can hear you calling me placenta-brain Adam but I love you anyways. ;)

So anyways, I've been having this little inner struggle over this sleep dilemma of feeling like the world's laziest person but not having any power to do a thing about it.  So instead I find myself flipping like a fish out of water between pushing myself way too much or yielding totally to the power of nothingness.  However I do believe that I've had a breakthrough this week...an epiphany if you will.

On Monday night my two and a half year old daughter sprained her little ankle on our trampoline (insert whimpers of sadness here) and after getting it checked out twice (nothing wrong with a little paranoia..it can be healthy..and in fact proved to be so here as it turned out she also had some sort of throat/ear infection going on, but alas, I digress) it's been wrapped, propped, and iced for the last three days.

Observing my normally very active daughter refuse to walk for three days and be confined to a couch as the pain subsides and her ankle heals has been sad, but it has also taught me a little lesson.  Too many times we guilt ourselves into taking on too many tasks and then beat ourselves up, feeling like failures when we can't finish them all, or we finish feeling exhausted and miserable (or is that just me???)  Although it is important to set goals for ourselves, it is more important that we set realistic, attainable ones, and that we don't define ourselves by the end results of those goals.  Secondly, I've learned that sometimes our body does know a thing or two about what is best for us, whether it be more sleep, a glass of water instead of juice, or a brisk walk when we would rather plop on the couch.  It's important to listen to these cues before your brain is able to hijack your emotions and send you spinning on that not-so-merry-go-round of setting yourself up to (feel) like you've failed.

All of that being said, my goal is still to write a blog a week on here, but if I am absent for a week I trust you'll understand that I'm simply listening to my body's cues.

Until next wee... er, "time"
...Crystal

FMF: Mighty

HAPPY FRIDAY!!! Today's post is on...yup...you've guessed it...."MIGHTY". (you guys are so smart!)

Throwback to 4 years ago (almost 5 years now..yipes!)

Okay so when I first hear the word "mighty" the immediate image that comes to my head is "Mighty Mouse".  Does anyone remember him?  You know, the little mouse that had great strength.  I'm afraid some of you may be aging me at this point...but just to validate my young age (hee hee) we used to watch it in color on a vhs that my parents stumbled upon and found it worthwhile enough to share with my generation.
 ANYWAYS, getting way off track here....so thinking about Mighty Mouse and his size brings another thought to my mind, one which my mom always told me when I was young, and that is this, that "you are small but mighty".  At the time it was more a reference to my tiny size due to being a figure skater, and my ability to be successful in athletics despite my small frame.  However many years later that phrase has new life as I face chapters of my life called "being a wife" and "being a mom".

I can't recall how many times in a day or a week I am plagued by the thought, "you're just a mom", or dread being asked the question, "so what do you do?", only to have to answer, "I'm a stay-at home mom" as images of a Leave-It-To-Beaver type mom fills my head and I cringe at the stereotype that I never wanted to be, and in reality aren't. (phew!)

So many times I undermine my strengths, gifts, and the roles that I've been called to serve in...especially that of motherhood.  But I'm so grateful for friends and community that remind me that being a mom is nothing small, and nothing to be looked down upon.  Being a mom encompasses more roles than I ever could have imagined; it is challenging, rewarding, fulfilling, heartbreaking, and heartwarming, and most of all it changes you.  It changes you from ordinary to mighty...and not because it swells your head with all of your accomplishments, but because I can see that in my weakest moments Christ is right there with me, giving me the words to speak, the love to share, the patience and endurance to not give up, and the vulnerability to keep my heart wide open to these little ones who sometimes fling so much emotion and hurt my way.  He is there with His strength, and He makes me mighty.

STOP (Yep....I went 15 minutes this time....sorry...what can I say...it's late...I'm a night person...I like to talk..I tend to babble and......wait a minute....there I go...DONE!) :)

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Join in the Five Minute Friday Party with Lisa-Jo Baker (who just came out with a wonderfully new book called "Surprised by Motherhood" that will be released on April 1st. Go to Amazon now to pre-order your copy!)
How? Just write for 5 minutes on the given topic and link it up here.

The only rule is that you must visit the person who linked up before you and encourage them in their comments.  (Yay! Building community!) :)

FMF: Joy!

Sadly I missed out on the Five Minute Friday Party last week because (not-so-sadly) I was away for a family overnighter, but great news, I'm back for this one!  So here goes, five minutes of unedited writing on the topic of Joy.

Ready...GO!

This topic couldn't be more fitting for this week because lately everywhere I turn I have been hearing the words "joy", "celebrate", and "free".  I've been thinking a lot about these things lately and about how we were created to be joyful, and to celebrate this gift of life that we have been blessed with.

So many times we can confuse joy with happy, when really the two words are as different as night and day.  Happiness is more of a feeling that is driven by our outward circumstances and situations, whereas joy is an inward state of the heart.  It is a strength that sustains throughout difficult seasons and spills out carrying us over to the other side.

So how does joy equal strength, and what does it have to do with celebrating and being free if it isn't happiness?  Well for me joy brings strength because it causes me to change my focus from the present circumstances, and to look toward God and His faithful promises.  These promises bring hope because they shift my perspective into an eternal one instead of a here-and-now one.  When I look at eternity, and more specifically eternity in Heaven with my Savior, I become free from the effect of the cares of today, which are fleeting and momentary (as the Bible says) and am strengthened to carry on in celebration of what lies ahead.

STOP! (Okay...so I went 5 min over again...so-o-o-o-ry! Still a newbie here) ;)

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Join in the Five Minute Friday Party with Lisa-Jo Baker.
How? Just write for 5 minutes on the given topic and link it up here.

The only rule is that you must visit the person who linked up before you and encourage them in their comments.  (Yay! Building community!) :)

Created to Worship

So often I've heard it said among Christians, "don't be led by your emotions", or "emotions are deceiving", to the point that I end up feeling like I can't hear Christ through my emotions, or if I feel a feeling in my times of conversing, or worshiping Him that I can't trust those emotions, therefore they have no validity in the moment and I should shut them off.

However, during some time spent worshiping God today the thought suddenly occurred to me that what if God not only wants me to experience Him in my thoughts, but also in my feelings....that what if...those feelings are a way for me to feel Him and be directed by Him, a way to experience His love, His joy, His peace, and His fulfillment.

By nature, and being an "artistic" sort of person it could be said that I am fairly emotional and sensitive to things that others would not normally respond to.  I've always tended to view this as a bad thing because of all of the negative things I've heard from Christians about our emotions; however I don't recall reading anywhere in the Bible that the Holy Spirit only wants me to experience Him in my mind, and in this moment spent worshiping today when this thought occurred to me I felt so full of God's presence as I let the guard down in my emotions and felt free to finally experience Him in my emotions without any condemning thoughts to hold me back.

In that same moment of being free to experience Christ in my emotions I was singing the words, "To worship You I live. To worship You, I live, I live, to worship You", and in that moment I felt such peace, joy, and a fulfillment that can't even come close to being matched, flood over my emotions, and overtake every thought, and every part of my being.  And in that split second everything made sense....I was created to worship....what I worship is my choice, I can choose to worship the created things that fill my world, or I can choose to worship the Creator of those things and of my very soul.  In that moment, the only sensible thing to do was to worship the Creator, the only One great enough to be worthy of worship and worthy of praise; nothing else even comes close to being worthy of that kind of adoration.  This is how I want to live my life... to worship Christ and experience that kind of deep fulfillment, and peace fill up my entire being...over and over and over again.  Nothing else will do, and I won't settle for less.

To worship You Jesus I live,
Crystal